A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF…Diary Of A Man Alone
Copyright by Tom Bird, Writing as TC Allen, 2001
All rights reserved-Copy/Duplication Prohibited
3,613 words - yltom@qwest.net

Monday

            I saw you last night, your blinds were partially open and I was sitting on my balcony across the way from you. I saw you as you let your beautiful, raven black hair down and carefully stroke it with a brush. I even counted the number of times you brushed each section. There were seventy-five strokes with the brush, you then selected another section and brushed it seventy-five times also. Seventy-five times and then on to the next bunch of hair. You were counting too! You had to be for there to be exactly seventy-five strokes with each new brushing. Somehow this made me feel even closer to you. Each personal act I witness you doing seems to fulfill my longing a bit and fire my hunger to be with you even more. You are so beautiful in my eyes that my longing to have you close to me grows greater with each passing hour. 

            I am in love with you and we have never even spoken. You are so magnificent! And I am nobody. You don’t even know I exist. I feel a hunger within my heart when I look at you, part sexual but mostly a love of beauty. You are my Helen of Troy, my Juliet, my wondrous angel without wings. It seems so ironic that God would create one such as you and torment me with that which is beyond my reach! I am like a starving man looking in a bakery window at a loaf of freshly baked bread and, and alas! I have no money to purchase that which I hunger for. Not that you could be purchased with mere money! You are beyond the earthly value of dollars and cents. No, you may only be valued with the gold that lies in the coffers of our Creator. Truly, I am a fool!

            How is it possible to love someone, to be in love with someone when we have never met or spoken or even smiled in passing? Am I insane? Are these cravings those of a madman? Oh God! I hope not! What is wrong with me that I am such a foolish person for you? I have read of fools like me and laughed and chortled and said, “Fool! Only a crazy man would act and think like that!” But now it is me who is the fool. The shoe is on the other foot, as they say and I find that it all seems logical to my love starved mind to desire you as I do.

            Ah! You have turned the lights out. I shall do the same and go to sleep to dream of you. To hunger for your body and your mind and your very soul. In my fevered mind I shall undress you and caress you and penetrate your nether regions and explode inside you – a geyser of molten love shall be yours. Good night, My Darling, good night.

She looks out the window and sees him staring at her through the parted blinds. That damned manager said he would send the repair guy up to fix them.

Why does that guy keep staring over here at me and writing in that notebook? What’s with him, any way? Hasn’t he ever seen a girl brush her hair before? Man! It takes all kinds I guess. But why does he have to live so close to me? It’s scary, I hear about all sorts of things happening to girls alone.

Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll go away. He has the nerve, peeking into my window and then writing in his notebook. Maybe if I ignore him he’ll go away, just fade out or something. Ouch! Another snarl! Maybe I ought to do like the girls at work say and get it cut and permed. It would be so much easier to take care of. But, hey, let’s face it, I just don’t have all that much going for me and everybody says that my hair is my greatest asset, My butt is too skinny and my boobs are too small. Even my legs don’t have all that much going for them. They look like swizzle sticks! I guess I better keep my hair, even if it is so much trouble to take care of.

            I have to count the strokes to keep from going crazy as I sit here and watch skinny old me in the mirror. People say I have a face like Fran what’s her name on the Nanny and the Professor. Why can’t I have her body too? Now there’s a butt with character. And her boobs! Oh, I feel so ugly and skinny all the time!

I see El Freako is still out there watching me. Well fuck him. I’ll just turn out the lights and go in the other room and watch TV……

Tuesday

            Ah! Tonight I watched you brush your hair again and sit in front of the mirror applying make up to your already perfect features. Eye shadow and blush on you is like gold plating the Mona Lisa. It is so unnecessary. It detracts from what is already there, perfection. On you makeup is a study in futility. God has already given you more than any earthly beautician ever could. Don’t hide it with blush and powder and rouge, my lovely one. You were meant to be viewed naked.

            I saw you finish getting dressed and I watched you leave. Then I waited an eternity and, as I craned my neck, looking down, I saw you finally walk out the entrance of the apartment building, a barely recognizable speck floors below me.

There he is out there, squinting and writing. He’s probably writing about how heWants to cut me up in little pieces and do even worse! Well, I’ll show you. Bubby Boy!You just watch me as I get made up just like I have a real date. (Fat chance!) Nobody dates skeletons. But I’ll give me full treatment, eye liner, shadow, blush, mascara, everything! I might as well go see that new romantic comedy at the Roxy. At least I’ll see someone have a great romance.

Wednesday

            And naked is how I saw you this evening. You walked, gliding regally across the floor of your bedroom, the blinds a little wider apart. Your sheer white undergarments were made so much more attractive because they were worn by you. Bits of lace they were, wisps of soft whiteness, barely covering the essentials of your sex, making you seem even more naked than if you had been nude. My mouth is dry and my sexuality is burning hot. I perspire and sweat covers me from head to foot and my hardness will not be denied!  I am overcome with the hungers that no longer lie dormant within me! There is a rushing river-noise in my ears. The pressure in my face makes it hard to breath. There is tightness in my chest and as my body betrays me and I feel a release of the hotliquid  passion within me, I am overcome with lethargy and shame that I could not contain the explosion that has left me limp and empty. But even now, overcome with a post orgasmic ennui, I am even more dedicated to you, the embodiment of all my dreams and desires.

            Then your lights were turned off and your bedroom was plunged into darkness. I performed the necessary ablutions and went to bed to sleep and dream once again of you.

Oh My God! I came out of the bathroom naked and there that weirdo was, staring holes in my blinds. Those dammed blinds! They’re stuck and I can’t get them to close all the way and the manager says the fix it guy has other priorities than a loose blind cord. That crazy guy over there could break in and rape me for all anyone in the office could care except then I wouldn’t pay my rent. I’ll just ignore him and stick my nose up in the air at him and walk slowly over and turn off the lights. I won’t show him I’m scared. Well I’m not, too much! Now I’ll get dressed in the dark and go get me a burger or something.

Thursday

This morning I made it a firm resolution that I would walk over to your apartment and meet you. I got dressed and put on my best pair of flannel slacks and a pull over sweater that cost me a week’s salary. The truth be known, I bought that sweater to meet you in. But then I became a craven coward as I approached your door. I saw it start to open and I slipped around a corner.

Suddenly I was afraid to face you! What could I say? Could I tell you my true feelings? Or of how I masturbated as I looked at you across the way? Oh my God! To even think such a thought makes me cringe in self-embarrassment. I am ashamed of me, as well I should be. You walked right on by and never even noticed me hiding in that dark corner.

But in this I was victorious! I was close enough to you to almost touch you! I could have spoken to you, if I dared! Oh HELL! If I dared! I am not a brave man, nor a hero of the wars. I am just a plain man with a plain man’s bravery and cowardice, no more and no less. But when I see you I become an abject coward. My God! What is wrong with me? 

I watched your back as you stepped on the elevator to be taken those many floors below, and again out of my reach and away from me. I watched that wiggle as you walked forward and entered the elevator. I looked you full in the face as you turned my way, before the door closed and you were plummeted those many floors below. For a moment I got the feeling that you saw me and were looking at me, at my face. But no, that couldn’t be. It’s just my wishful imagination working overtime to create a reality in my mind that has no match in this universe around me.

I returned home to my apartment where I futilely tried to read a book. But my fevered imagination kept returning to you. Oh my God! I don’t know how much longer I can stand this lust/love I have for you. I have trouble sleeping, and it’s difficult to work with your beautiful face ever before me. I don’t even know your name. Nor do I know anything about you. Who are you that you have captured me in the snare of  your wonderfully beautiful self? Who are you that you make me such a fool and are not the least aware of me and what you have done to me? My God! Who are you?

Omigod! I walked out of the apartment and there he was! He was right outside my door just lurking in the shadows! This is getting scary! Is he a murderer? Does he want to murder my in my sleep?  I got a good look at his face as I got on the elevator. He doesn’t look like a pervert. He’s just sort of pudgy but nice looking. He isn’t real ugly by a long shot. He looks like a lonesome little puppy with those big soulful eyes and all. But he’s stalking me! What if he jumped out and raped me?

Oh my imagination is getting the better of me. Nobody is going to rape a girl who is built like a boy. They don’t rape skinny girls. Or do they? I wonder what it would be like to…..Stop that! This whole thing is making me crazy. I know what! My lease is up next week and I’ll just move away from el Pervo. Yes! I’ll move that’s what!

Friday

I saw you naked, facing me! Your small breasts, their pert nipples staring perkily upward toward the ceiling, are beautiful, two bright red cherries to be tasted and savored gently and slowly, with deliberation. Each should be sampled and tasted with reverence and discernment, not greedily gobbled by the starving man that I am. They are so perfect and beckon to me, a beacon across this seeming miles wide distance that separates your balcony from mine. Their siren song calls me across the way.

            Your sex is lightly covered with the finest of dark hairs. It is perfectly formed as befits you. My desire to touch and fondle and kiss and penetrate overwhelms me. My hand shakes as I look and………………………………………………..

            This hot shower feels so good! I feel the tiredness just flow out of me as the hot water pours over me. I wish I had more hair on my pussy. It just looks so naked and ugly with just those few hairs on it. Oh well, I better get dressed. This big, fat old towel feels so good when I dry my back with it. It would be nice to have someone dry my back for me some time.

            Oh God! There he is staring at me. He looks like his fat face is going to explode,

 It’s so red! I’m going to get dressed and go over and ask Madeline if I can stay with her while I apartment hunt! I’m too scared to stay here another night! This is just too much!

            There, I’ll lock the door as I leave and hurry to get into the elevator. Please, God! Don’t let him catch up with me! There, I’m out of the building and no sign of him….”PLOP!” a notebook falls from above and almost hits her)

            What’s this? It looks like…. I bet it is…. it’s HIS notebook! I’ll just take it with me and see what he wrote about me, if it is his notebook. I’ll stop at the Denny’s and get a cup of coffee. There, I’ll sit in that booth and read what that filthy pervert wrote.

            Hey! I got raven black hair that shimmers in the light of the setting sun? You counted how many strokes I took so you could feel closer to me? You want to be with me and you’re in love with me and HOLY SHIT! This guy is dynamite! Oh Jesus! This is making me wet! I gotta squeeze my legs together and…OH WOW!

            He saw me in my underwear and he thought…Oh my God! Oh hell! Oh Oh Oh! I’m having an orgasm just reading this! Ooooohhh, yesss! Oh lordy, no one ever looked at me before like that! Nobody!

            He was afraid of ME? He was afraid of me and I almost muddied my undies when I saw him in the hallway. Oh, how sweet! He is the hottest and the coolest! He is so romantic and he wants to talk to me? Oh oh what’s this?

            He saw me naked and thought my titties are pert? Oh my! You think my titties are perfection to be savored and not gobbled! Oh you sweet sweet man! My nipples call to you and you think my pussy is perfect? It isn’t too naked for your taste? I’m going back home and to bed right now! I gotta lay down on my bed and do this right!

            Five minutes later:

            I lay here and do this to myself and wish he was here doing this to me! Oh yesss! He will get a chance to and oh yesss oh yesss ohhhhh! I’ll lay here and kiss this notebook good night and wish it was you. I want to… And sweet dreams came and too soon it was morning.

Saturday

            I dropped that dammed notebook! It dropped over the balcony railing and fell to the sidewalk below! Oh clumsy fool that I am! Was my name written anywhere in it. Christ! The embarrassment if she found it! As soon as it fell out of my grasp, I hurried out of the apartment and ran down those many flights of stairs, not wanting to wait an eternity for that damned slow moving elevator.

            I arrived at the bottom, out of breath and began my frantic search for that dam’ notebook, looking everywhere! It was gone as if it had never been, nowhere to be seen. I went through the trashcan that sits next to the sidewalk. I looked in and through and around all the bushes. It was not there to be found. Oh God! I hope she never sees it. I would kill myself is she read the ravings of this foolishly stupid man. Tonight I cannot sleep. The turmoil in my mind is too much to let me rest. What the hell am I going to do?

            Okay, I Got to get up and face this guy. I don’t even know his name; I hope it isn’t Ewood or Bubba or Wilmer or something. Oh I’m so nervous! I don’t care if his name is Sue! I’ll put on these white panties he seems to like so much and this “fuck me dress” I bought and never had the nerve to wear any place. No bra, He likes ‘em, he’ll see ‘em! These white sandals to match my panties in case he … I’m going nuts!

            Oh phooey! I just can’t face him, and have him know what he wrote about me.. I don’t dare. I’ll work up the nerve! I swear I will. I have to!

            I’ll change out of this dress and go to Denny’s and have breakfast. And coffee, lots of coffee! What am I going to do?………………..

Sunday morning

            This morning I’m going to do it! I’ll get dressed up like yesterday and this time I’ll do it! I’ll just march right up to his door and…Yes! I’ll do it right now.

            First, the panties and then the dress and I’ll tie my raven black hair back and let it hang down to my ass! Oh I hope this isn’t some cruel joke. The only time I ever let a guy do it was Danny Smith, that creep! Telling me it was like fucking a boy ‘cause I’m so skinny! Well fuck you Danny Boy! I’m on my way to see a real guy and not a jerk like you. Yes and, oops! I forgot the notebook! That beautiful, hot sexy and horny notebook.

            I can’t believe I’m doing this! I’ll chicken out. He wasn’t writing about me! He probably has another notebook that he writes about skinny and ugly broads in who got no tits.

            Well here I am at his door! I’ll just…I CAN’T! I gotta! Here goes. I can’t ring his doorbell! YES I CAN HERE GOES NOTHING! She presses the doorbell.

            Who is ringing my doorbell at this time of morning. I’ll peek out and…Oh my God! It’s her! 

            In her hands is the incriminating notebook! She smiles sweetly, softly, as she hands him the notebook. “I saw this fall as I was leaving the building. I had to take it and read it. You see I have been watching you watch me and write. Thank you for your beautiful words.” She turned her face up, standing on tiptoe, kissed him fully on the lips.

            He stood there speechless; no words forming in his suddenly dry mouth, feeling her lips sear him through and through. He was panic stricken as she stepped back and smiled up at him. She took hold of his hands and squeezed slightly, gently, with the sudden shyness of a new lover. “No,” she continued, “I read your words, your feelings over and over again. Then as I lay down to sleep, I put your love song, it truly is a love song on my pillow next to my lips and I kissed it and went to sleep. You are a very  beautiful man.”

            He was speechless. The words that flowed so easily from his pen to paper would not come. “Uh er, I well…” He was speechless.

            “May I come in?” she asked and she entered his apartment. The door slowly closed behind her.  “I never had anybody ever write anything about me like that before. Do you really mean all the things you wrote? Oh I don’t know…Did you really write those things about me and do you mean them?” She looked desperately up into his eyes and saw nothing! “I guess I made a fool out of me, didn’t I?” her shoulders slumped and she turned to go out the door.

            “OH CHRIST! Please don’t leave! Yes, I wrote those words about you. They were to you. I don’t know how to talk to girls. I just work and come home and I saw you and I think you are so beautiful! I am so sorry if I insulted you! My name is John and I want you to stay and talk. Your dress is so beautiful and….” His voice trailed off as he looked at her.

            “John,” she said, savoring his name, “John, I like that name. You look like a John.” She grinned impishly and added, “I’ll even tell you what I call this dress some time.”

            She walked over to the couch and sat down and patted the space next to her. He hesitantly sat down carefully next to her. “Would you kiss me if I asked you to?” she asked and turned her lips up toward his.